Paging Dr. KiKi

I'm not a T.G.I.F.er, I'm a T.G.I.T.er. Thank God it's Tuesday. I hate that I feel that way, as until recently I would have gladly worked 7 days a week. As I've said before, I love my job but trying to get through the madness of my shifts when I'm in such pain, is an exercise in frustration. I've always been the kind of person who always goes above and beyond what's expected, always going that extra mile in my obsessive quest for perfection in everything I do. Yeah, I know I'm OCD but I've learned to harness it and use it to give me personal satisfaction in a job well done, be it at work or at home. As long as I'm doing something, there's no anxiety associated with my obessive tendencies. Not so much lately.

At work, I'm unable to really work the floor the way I prefer and be everywhere I'm needed at all times. I can't just run and go do something quickly, be it to get champagne, fresh bottles of liquor for the bar or bottle service, change from the safe, handle a situation that might be brewing in another part of the club or let the DJ know I want him to call a drink special. I've always been an extremely fast walker, to the point that it was a running joke that if a customer sitting at the bar felt a sudden whoosh of air, the bartender told them it was just KiKi zooming by so fast you couldn't see her. Not so much anymore.

I struggle just to get from one end of the building to the other and it's not in a timely manner. I can't carry anything that weighs more than a couple of pounds, so I need help with so much that I do. This is excruciating for me, as I am a fiercly independent woman who hates to ask for help for anything. I've always been this way, sometimes to my detriment. There have been many times in my life when I really needed help and refused to ask anyone or even let on that I needed help at all. I know that's kind of a bad thing and over the past few months I've come to terms (sort of) with the fact that it's okay to let people help me when I really need it. It's been tough but I've had no choice but to let go a little.

Everyone that I work with is amazingly supportive, even the Entertainers are constantly asking me if I need anything and Entertainers are notoriously selfish and oblivious to the feelings or needs of others, so that's pretty cool. The staff members take it upon themselves to assist me without even asking if I need it. That makes me feel so good and it helps relieve the stress that I feel when I have to ask. Greg*, Bryan* and CeCe*, (the other managers), have given me a standing offer to work any of my shifts if I'm in too much pain to make it in. That's fucking awesome. Mr. Boss Man continues to pay me my full salary every pay period even though I haven't been able to work my full schedule in a month. That is fucking unbelievable and almost unheard of in this industry and I am so thankful that I work for him.

They are all so amazing that they've even offered to do a fundraiser for me to help offset the cost of my upcoming surgery, since I pay all of my medical expenses out of pocket. When they told me they were going to do this I was blown away. In spite of everything negative going on with me and how I feel, I have this unbelievable group of people supporting me and helping to keep me from falling into an abyss of depression. They keep me going when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry. There is no way I can ever re-pay them for everything they're doing for me and they tell me that's perfectly alright, they don't want anything in return except for me to get better and start living again instead of just existing in the state I'm in. I couldn't ask for a better group of people in my life and I'll be loyal to them forever.

This post began as another rant and morphed into my own little therapy session with myself. It's become increasingly more therapeutic for me to share what I'd normally write in my private journal, with anyone who happens by this site to read. I'm okay with that and I am so thankful for all of you that do come by, it keeps me inspired to continue communing with my Little Pet Blog.