Eh.....Merry Christmas

If you are in the Christmas Spirit, having a joyful Holiday, you might want to stop reading now. I'll give you a moment to close out this window and move on to something lighter.

If you're still reading, I can only assume you are either a. Not in the Holiday Spirit or b. Morbidly Curious. Either way, you're here so let's move on.

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I don't remember much of my childhood but what I do remember is feeling out of sorts much of the time. Most of us go through times in our lives where we feel as if we don't quite fit in, like we are on the outside looking in. I have always felt that way. No matter where I was in life, what I was doing or who I was with, I have always felt like an outsider. Even as a child, with my own family, I felt like I didn't belong.

I've been on various Anti-Depressants since I was 14 years old. Depression is hereditary and it runs far, far back on both sides of my family. I've been in therapy here and there but had such a difficult time opening up to strangers, that I never got much out of it. I am a tough person to get to know, as I live in my own world, out of necessity for my own sanity. I know it's cliche, but I am covered with a protective shell that gets thicker with age. Cliches become cliche because they are true though, right? Anyway, I am perfectly aware of the distance I maintain from all other human beings. Where does it all come from? I don't really know how it started. I do know that I've been damaged by the men in my past and present, but my shell was already formed before I ever became an adult.

What led me to write this post was my evening with my family. My family consists of my parents, my brother, his wife and my 2 nephews. I went to my parents house for dinner this evening and once again, I felt like an outsider. I watched my nephews open a few gifts and even opened a few of my own. I smiled for pictures and gave hugs all around, all the while fighting back tears. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful parents who are very loving and supportive and I love my older brother dearly. If you've read my previous posts, then you already know how very much in love I am with my nephews, Cubby and Draven. So why did I feel like an interloper? I don't know, but I cried for most of my drive home after dinner. I felt like an idiot, crying while driving through the brightly lit city, past the homes decorated with love and lights and cars full of happy people going to their happy places. I cried so hard that I got the hiccups. I hate having hiccups and they lasted for about 30 minutes, feeling like a dagger in my already migraine pounding head.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post, other than to try to quell my loneliness with the written word."But KiKi, don't you have a boyfriend or anything?", you ask. No, I do not and I will probably never write about my last ongoing relationship with my ex-husband, other than to say we are still friends. I came out of that relationship damaged beyond repair, with a large flaming broken heart tattooed on my back. The tattoo is symbolic not only of my relationship, it symbolizes my state of mind and health. I am still a "glass half full" type of person, so I guess I am what you might term a walking contradiction. I always laugh to myself when people tell me they think my tattoo is beautiful. I cannot see beyond the meaning, which is so not beautiful, but sad and dark.

I can usually deal with the darkness I feel much of the time, but lately I am having trouble. I know it's a combination of my increasing physical pain, the Holidays and recent actions of my ex. 2007 has been a very bad year for me on a personal level, yet professionally I have soared. There are plenty of people in the world who have it far worse than me, so I am thankful that I have what I have. I have a good job that I love, a beautiful house that I am in the midst of remodeling, a hot muscle car that I love to drive, 3 loving little furry kids and a family that loves me. On a rational level I know that my life is good, I just wish that I could feel it.

I'm just so tired. Tired of the pain in my body and soul. I don't honestly know if I can be fixed but I will never stop trying. There is a theory floating around out there that if you feel as if you've never belonged anywhere, that you may very well be living your last life here on earth. I consider myself to be a very spiritual person and I firmly believe in the after-life. Am I an "old soul" or do I still have many lessons to learn in many more lives? I don't know.

What I do know is, tomorrow is another day and I will do my very best to make the very best of it. Merry Christmas, Little Pet Blog.