Whoops, There She Goes!

One of my duties as a manager is to "audition" new Entertainers. The "audition" part is really just a formality, though. Girls come in everyday, at all hours looking to get hired on as one of our Entertainers. We're one of the clubs in this city that is very discriminating on who we hire. We require more from our Entertainers than just a G-String and a pair of Stilettos. She has to have a pretty face, an engaging personality and her body must be toned and relatively fit. That's not to say she has to be thin, because men like women in all shapes and sizes, but she must at least appear as if she takes good care of herself. There's no getting around the fact that almost every woman has some cellulite. "Perfection" is achieved through airbrushing only and there are no airbrushes when she's on stage and in the light. So, some cellulite is acceptable just not so much that it looks as if you are watching a bowl of cottage cheese instead of a sexy female gyrate on stage. Unfortunately that's just the harsh reality of working in this industry.

This past Sunday was a perfect example of why I need to rethink "auditions as a formality."

A young woman came into the club at around 1:30 pm, shortly before we were due to open. She was a very attractive blonde with a curvaceous figure and a very laid back personality. She told me she had danced at two other clubs in town and wanted to try us because she had heard so many good things about the way we treat our Entertainers.

I was excited because it had been a few weeks since a really cute girl had come in to "audition" on one of my shifts. I was definitely having a dry spell in the "New Entertainer Hires" department. So, I got all her information, showed her where the Dressing Room was and went about getting the club ready to open. About 45 minutes later I heard the DJ call her name to go on stage, so I sat on a stool at the bar to watch.

What I saw when she began "dancing" to Alice Cooper's "Poison", almost made me fall off my stool. I say "dancing" because I'm not really sure what she was doing. In all honesty, it looked as if she were having a seziure. She was jerking all over the place doing moves that very closely resembled Elaine's dancing on Seinfeld. At one point during her second song, when she was trying to remove her florescent pink mesh top, it somehow got twisted up on the pole until she was, for all intents and purposes, tied to the pole. At this point I just had to walk away because I didn't want her to look over at the bartender, doorman, waitress and me, laughing uncontrollably. I know it's not nice or in good form to laugh at someone else's expense, but holy cow, it was funny.

After she came down from the stage, I pulled her aside and asked "How long have you been dancing, honey?" "Two years", she says. Oh my. I had thought for sure, after I saw her performance, that she was still green and had only danced at the other clubs for a very short time.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad or critisize you, but I really need you to try to slow down a little when you are on stage. It's kind of 'our style' for our entertainers to move slow and sensual when they are on stage", I told her. Of course, anyone who has ever been to a strip club worth it's salt, knows that all entertainers move slow and sensual for the most part. That's just how it's done. The exception being a "Featured" entertainer who is doing a "show".

She smiled and said "Okay, I'll try but I'm used to dancing to fast music." "Dancing to fast music is fine", I replied, "but you don't have to move fast when you do. It's much sexier to men when you move slowly."

In the meantime Greg*, our General Manager, had come in to do the bank run and have a beer. Of course, he heard all about my new hire before I had a chance to tell him myself. Luckily for me Greg is an awesome guy with a penchant for comedy and a fantastic sense of humor. He couldn't wait to see her on stage.

Greg went to sit with one of our regular customers at a table right next to the stage. Within 30 seconds of starting to "dance", she attempted to do some kind of backwards somersault type move and prompty fell off the stage right in front of Greg. In fact, the customer he was sitting with actually caught her before she hit the floor. Apparently her stiletto was caught on a chair and she probably would have broken her ankle had she not been caught. Greg put his hand over his face so she would not see his look of shock and glee. I give her credit, though. She brushed herself off, climbed back on stage and finished her set.

However, not 10 minutes later she came to me and said she just got a call that her daughter was in the hospital and she had to leave. "Will you be coming back?", I asked her. "Oh yes, absolutely. I'll be back as soon as I'm done with my daughter." she told me.

I knew I'd never see her again and that's okay. I will never hear the end of this from everyone that was there that day either. That's okay, too. Legitimate healthy ribbing from co-workers keeps a person humble and smiling.

There's never a dull moment in the life of a Strip Club Manager.



*All names have been changed to protect my co-workers who have no idea I am writing this