What I Miss.....

My first job as a bartender was in Los Angeles and I loved it. I worked at a hip, large capacity dance club right on Hollywood Boulevard. I was 21 years old and making more money than I knew what to do with. I lived in a 60 year old renovated duplex right in the heart of West Hollywood. I could see the Fred Segal store and The Improv on Melrose Avenue from my front yard. I drove a brand new rag-top Jeep Wrangler and I was on top of the world. I was young, hip, financially independent for the first time and having the time of my life.

In 1994 everything changed.

The Northridge earthquake hit on January 17 shattering my psyche for months. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress and was unable to even take a shower alone. I didn't sleep and my heart pounded every time the ground rumbled under my feet, even if it was just a truck driving by. By 1994, I was living in Van Nuys, which was not too far from the epicenter of the quake. Almost everything I owned was destroyed. My apartment building was labeled with a yellow tag, which meant it had sustained significant damage but was still inhabitable. My boyfriend, my 2 cats and I were uninjured, thank God. We spent the next week with my boyfriend's Mom at her house in Laurel Canyon. My psyche eventually recovered but the trauma I personally experienced did permanent damage to my relationship with my boyfriend. We broke up in June, 5 months to the day after the quake.

In the meantime I hurt my back for the first time. Tending bar involves a lot of bending, lifting and repetitive motion. I herniated my L4-L5 disc in my low back. By March of '94 I was no longer able to work. My disability checks were based on my hourly pay from the club so my income took a drastic hit. I went from making roughly $6,000 a month to a mere $341 per month. Thankfully Worker's Comp covered my medical expenses.

That was the last time I worked behind a bar for 10 years, with one exception. I left Los Angeles in late '94 and moved to Santa Barbara. I tried to tend bar again at an awesome little Cajun Bar & Grill right on State Street in the heart of Santa Barbara. I just couldn't do it, the pain was too much.

I made my way back into the bar industry when I applied as a bartender at the Strip Club I now manage. It was like riding a bike. You never forget the basics and soon I was just as fast slinging drinks as I was at the Night Club in Hollywood. The money started pouring in and I was loving every minute of it. I was promoted to Management within 1 year and still worked 2 high volume bar shifts every week. I was back in the saddle again and felt like nothing could stop me now.

I was wrong.

In May 2006 I herniated my C6-C7 disc in my neck. The pain was immense, I couldn't even turn my head for months. I began Decompression Therapy, going 3 times a week and was again unable to do what I loved the most. Four months went by before I was able to get back behind the bar again. I took it easy at first, terrified that I could possibly do more damage to my body.

Taking it easy didn't help. In April of this year I herniated my L5-S1 disc in my low back. I haven't been behind the bar since.

Because of my past back injury and other medical issues I've had most of my life, I am considered too "high risk" for health insurance companies. I'm even too high risk for the companies specializing in high risk patients. I make enough money to afford any insurance, no matter the price, but no one will have me and I make too much to qualify for state assisted insurance. So here I am, unable to do what I love, surrounded by mounting medical bills. I can pay them , sure, but it just sucks because I am honest and never lie about my medical history on insurance applications, I am denied wherever I go. I pay my taxes, claiming 100% of my tips, I donate to various charities and am an all around good citizen, yet my Government won't help me. As great as it sounds when Presidential Candidates spout on about socialized health care, they will never do it. There is too much money at stake for our country's health care to be anything other than privatized.

Surgery may very well be the next step for me. I've had 3 rounds of Facet Injections in my back, the last one directly in my Sacral joint and it hasn't helped one bit. I hate taking the high doses of pain medication that I do, but I cannot function without it. This week I have decided that I will try Marijuana for the pain and nausea. Unfortunately, I live in a state where there is no legal Medical Marijuana so I will have to secure it in other ways. I'll try anything at this point. I'm not living life. I am merely existing, as Henry David Thoreau once said. I go back to the Pain Management Clinic this Friday to find out what's next. I could give you a long list of everything that's physically wrong with me but I won't. It's depressing to see it all in print. Suffice to say, there is more wrong with me than there is right. I call myself a lemon. Can I have a full body replacement, please?

I miss being a vibrant woman, living life to it's fullest and doing what I love most. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Manager at this Club that I love so much, but bar tending is my first love as a career and always will be.

I obtained a Beta Code from Justin.tv a little over a month ago, thinking I would document, (Lifecast), my journey as it happened but I haven't broadcasted anything in 3 weeks. There are many wonderful Casters and Viewers on the site but there is much hate, as well. I just cannot subject myself to people whose one goal as a Viewer is to make the Caster feel bad about themselves. I feel bad enough, all on my own. I'm still a dedicated Viewer, though. I love the glimpse into someone's life, like a fly on the wall. It helps me to escape my own for a little while.

I miss myself......I'm just out of my own reach.