The Celestine Prophecy. Read it or rent it, if you haven't already. It showed me some things I already instinctively knew.....and some that were eerily familiar.
An amazing story to come on this subject.
There really is no such thing as coincidence.
Ah, yes.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
An Empath in Crisis
My defenses are not functioning properly. I cannot find my internal switch to slide my blocking into place. My blocking keeps me safe from the energies of those around me.
I've touched slightly on the fact that I am an Empath. I can feel what you feel. I can read the energies that others put out either consciously, or in most cases, sub-consciously. Now don't get me wrong, I can't read minds. I might know what you're going to say before you say it, but that happens in the instant before your words are spoken. I know without knowing, if that makes any sense, what's going to happen before it happens. On occasion. Not all the time. It's difficult to surprise me. It was always so disappointing as a kid, to know what was going to happen on my birthday or Christmas ahead of time. I didn't get to experience the giddy child-like highs that most kids did. I just always knew that that was that way things were for me.
When I am unable to block and am around someone who is having difficulty in their life or someone who has chaotic or negative energy, I get dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes to the point where I have to put my head down between my knees and then when I'm able to walk, I go immediately to take something for the nausea.
This was in full effect last night at work. I was a fucking mess. A hot fucking mess.
Cheri came to see me. Cheri, that I love and adore beyond words. Cheri, that will be an important part of my life for the rest of my days on earth and on the other side when that time comes. Cheri is having much of the same problems that I am currently having. She's lost too. We are both so tired all the way down into our souls. Cheri has an amazing gift....or shall I say "gifts". She is in tune with parts of her brain that the rest of us can only try to imagine. Cheri is psychic and merely on the cusp of learning how to harness it and trying like hell to learn how to turn it off when it becomes too much for her. She is also lost, as I stated earlier, like me.
Cheri and I were sitting together at the bar on the smoking patio and I was listening to her speak about how she's been feeling. It didn't take long for the dizziness, nausea and buzzing on the top of my head to begin. I stayed quiet about it for a while, until she had stopped speaking of the worst of it, then I told her how I was feeling. She felt terrible about it and that wasn't my intention at all. I know I can tell her stuff like that and she won't look at me like I belong in the loony bin. After a few minutes, the dizziness and nausea went away and I told her so. "I changed my energy", she said with a sly grin. God, I love this woman. Haha.
So, we sat chatting about other, lighter subjects, until Juelz, an Entertainer interrupted us. Juelz immediately began regaling her story of illness that landed her in the hospital. (It turned out to be a dangerous tubal pregnancy requiring emergency surgery). As Juelz is telling her story, in her unique way of speaking, I was overcome with such extreme dizziness that I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I had to put my head down a bit, rubbing the bridge of my nose as I did so. Cheri remained mostly quiet during Julez' ramblings but I could see that that she was observing my extreme physical reaction. As subtly as I could, I encouraged Juelz to move on and sit with someone else. In my head though, I was screaming "Go away!!". After a few minutes, she did indeed go away, thank goodness.
"Boy, you really are sensitive tonight. ", Cheri said. "Yeah, it sucks. I can't bring up my walls of defense at all lately.", I told her. "You'll get them back", she said, and I wholeheartedly believe her. When Cheri says something, it's wise to listen. That's something I've learned and love about her.
After a few minutes, I began to feel "normal" again and Cheri and I were able to continue our conversation until she left a short time later.
Later on in the shift, I had an interesting conversation with Keri. Another woman I love beyond words and know will be with me forever. Keri recently had a life altering experience with a seer in Sedona, that has her on an amazing spiritual journey. Keri also posses "gifts". People from the other side....or who knows where......speak to her. Until her session in Sedona, she thought she was crazy. Schizophrenic, even. She was terrified that she was losing her mind, hearing "voices". The seer told her that she can control when she hears them and she proved that to herself yesterday when she was home alone with her young son. The "voices" began to ramble, like a cacophony in her head and she said out loud "I'm not ready to hear you right now, but I will let you know when the time is right." The voices stopped. She was giddy with amazement. A while later, as her son was watching television, the t.v. and cable box shut off behind her, so she said "Okay, I'm ready now, but please leave the television alone because that's the only thing keeping my son occupied at the moment." As soon as she said this, she heard a voice clear as day, say "I love you." How fucking cool is that??
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this, other than to make the observation that these 2 women are in my life for a reason, and I theirs. We are all on similar paths, and in the infancy of our spiritual/metaphysical journeys together. Cheri and I may be lost at the moment, but I feel that Keri is our beacon of light in the darkness.
I haven't spoken of the dream that Cheri and I share, but suffice to say, it is along the lines of that which I've written about tonight. The both of us have no doubt whatsoever that this dream will come to fruition. All in due time.
Today and tomorrow are my days off and I will be spending them alone with my 3 furry girls. It's out of necessity for my own well being right now. I have too much going on in my own head and with my defenses being down, I don't want to risk going out in public where I'll be assaulted by chaotic energies. I'll be engaging in much meditation, trying to build my defenses back up.
Time to close my laptop, Shadybear is rawr-ing at me, making her demands for my undivided attention.
Until next time; Blessed Be.
I've touched slightly on the fact that I am an Empath. I can feel what you feel. I can read the energies that others put out either consciously, or in most cases, sub-consciously. Now don't get me wrong, I can't read minds. I might know what you're going to say before you say it, but that happens in the instant before your words are spoken. I know without knowing, if that makes any sense, what's going to happen before it happens. On occasion. Not all the time. It's difficult to surprise me. It was always so disappointing as a kid, to know what was going to happen on my birthday or Christmas ahead of time. I didn't get to experience the giddy child-like highs that most kids did. I just always knew that that was that way things were for me.
When I am unable to block and am around someone who is having difficulty in their life or someone who has chaotic or negative energy, I get dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes to the point where I have to put my head down between my knees and then when I'm able to walk, I go immediately to take something for the nausea.
This was in full effect last night at work. I was a fucking mess. A hot fucking mess.
Cheri came to see me. Cheri, that I love and adore beyond words. Cheri, that will be an important part of my life for the rest of my days on earth and on the other side when that time comes. Cheri is having much of the same problems that I am currently having. She's lost too. We are both so tired all the way down into our souls. Cheri has an amazing gift....or shall I say "gifts". She is in tune with parts of her brain that the rest of us can only try to imagine. Cheri is psychic and merely on the cusp of learning how to harness it and trying like hell to learn how to turn it off when it becomes too much for her. She is also lost, as I stated earlier, like me.
Cheri and I were sitting together at the bar on the smoking patio and I was listening to her speak about how she's been feeling. It didn't take long for the dizziness, nausea and buzzing on the top of my head to begin. I stayed quiet about it for a while, until she had stopped speaking of the worst of it, then I told her how I was feeling. She felt terrible about it and that wasn't my intention at all. I know I can tell her stuff like that and she won't look at me like I belong in the loony bin. After a few minutes, the dizziness and nausea went away and I told her so. "I changed my energy", she said with a sly grin. God, I love this woman. Haha.
So, we sat chatting about other, lighter subjects, until Juelz, an Entertainer interrupted us. Juelz immediately began regaling her story of illness that landed her in the hospital. (It turned out to be a dangerous tubal pregnancy requiring emergency surgery). As Juelz is telling her story, in her unique way of speaking, I was overcome with such extreme dizziness that I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I had to put my head down a bit, rubbing the bridge of my nose as I did so. Cheri remained mostly quiet during Julez' ramblings but I could see that that she was observing my extreme physical reaction. As subtly as I could, I encouraged Juelz to move on and sit with someone else. In my head though, I was screaming "Go away!!". After a few minutes, she did indeed go away, thank goodness.
"Boy, you really are sensitive tonight. ", Cheri said. "Yeah, it sucks. I can't bring up my walls of defense at all lately.", I told her. "You'll get them back", she said, and I wholeheartedly believe her. When Cheri says something, it's wise to listen. That's something I've learned and love about her.
After a few minutes, I began to feel "normal" again and Cheri and I were able to continue our conversation until she left a short time later.
Later on in the shift, I had an interesting conversation with Keri. Another woman I love beyond words and know will be with me forever. Keri recently had a life altering experience with a seer in Sedona, that has her on an amazing spiritual journey. Keri also posses "gifts". People from the other side....or who knows where......speak to her. Until her session in Sedona, she thought she was crazy. Schizophrenic, even. She was terrified that she was losing her mind, hearing "voices". The seer told her that she can control when she hears them and she proved that to herself yesterday when she was home alone with her young son. The "voices" began to ramble, like a cacophony in her head and she said out loud "I'm not ready to hear you right now, but I will let you know when the time is right." The voices stopped. She was giddy with amazement. A while later, as her son was watching television, the t.v. and cable box shut off behind her, so she said "Okay, I'm ready now, but please leave the television alone because that's the only thing keeping my son occupied at the moment." As soon as she said this, she heard a voice clear as day, say "I love you." How fucking cool is that??
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this, other than to make the observation that these 2 women are in my life for a reason, and I theirs. We are all on similar paths, and in the infancy of our spiritual/metaphysical journeys together. Cheri and I may be lost at the moment, but I feel that Keri is our beacon of light in the darkness.
I haven't spoken of the dream that Cheri and I share, but suffice to say, it is along the lines of that which I've written about tonight. The both of us have no doubt whatsoever that this dream will come to fruition. All in due time.
Today and tomorrow are my days off and I will be spending them alone with my 3 furry girls. It's out of necessity for my own well being right now. I have too much going on in my own head and with my defenses being down, I don't want to risk going out in public where I'll be assaulted by chaotic energies. I'll be engaging in much meditation, trying to build my defenses back up.
Time to close my laptop, Shadybear is rawr-ing at me, making her demands for my undivided attention.
Until next time; Blessed Be.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Lost in Captivity....
I'm lost in captivity.
The cage is trapping almost all of me now. I can't pick the locks and the keys are nowhere to be found.
In the past, I rarely shared my intensely private thoughts and experiences on here. I don't share the worst of it with anyone. I've always been that way, choosing to keep everything (well, mostly everything), deep inside, away from the light of day.
I don't know where I'm going with this post, other than to let a little out....hoping that it might help. There's no one around tonight for me to call or text and who knows if I would even reach out in that way anyhow. I'm notoriously bad at asking for help. Help of any kind, but especially emotional/psychological shit. I'm supposed to be the one who has it all together, the one others come to with their problems. All the while, I'm falling apart.
I hope the pieces of me fit back together once I figure out how to escape my cage.
The cage is trapping almost all of me now. I can't pick the locks and the keys are nowhere to be found.
In the past, I rarely shared my intensely private thoughts and experiences on here. I don't share the worst of it with anyone. I've always been that way, choosing to keep everything (well, mostly everything), deep inside, away from the light of day.
I don't know where I'm going with this post, other than to let a little out....hoping that it might help. There's no one around tonight for me to call or text and who knows if I would even reach out in that way anyhow. I'm notoriously bad at asking for help. Help of any kind, but especially emotional/psychological shit. I'm supposed to be the one who has it all together, the one others come to with their problems. All the while, I'm falling apart.
I hope the pieces of me fit back together once I figure out how to escape my cage.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Untitled
I feel frazzled. I can hear all the stories swirling around in my head but I'm having difficulty harnessing them enough to transfer onto you, My Little Pet Blog.
I cannot find a beginning in all of this. Yeah, I did my little bullet points and all that. So what.
Let's be honest here, I am afraid. I fear that almost 2 years of heavy prescription narcotics have blocked my creativity into a cage, a cage wrapped with razor wire. My memory is fried. Ah man...I just don't know how to breach the cage. The wire cutters and lock pick set are just out of my reach. It's like a nightmare vision of my life, a part of me is trapped in that cage with my memories, only I can't grasp them.
Words used to come so easily to me. Flowing through my mind, out my fingers and onto the keyboard like a rushing river. I never even had to stop and think, the stories told themselves. Even in my daily life now, I struggle to find the right words for things, I stutter sometimes when trying to express myself. There is such a sense of shame in that for me.
I've spent too much time living in my own mind. When I am not at work, I spend all my time alone, in my head. It's safer in there, I think. Only somewhere along the line, it became that razor wire wrapped cage. It's a strange juxtaposition. I love my inner world, it's so beautiful in there....why does it have to be a Gilded Cage? My Little Pet Blog should just be an extension of my inner world....a tiny rabbit hole bringing a glimpse of the inner me out into reality, sort of. Right? Even now, as I write this, there are so many pictures in my head that I am desperately trying to paint with words but I'm failing miserably.
I just can't seem to find my way through the rabbit hole.
I cannot find a beginning in all of this. Yeah, I did my little bullet points and all that. So what.
Let's be honest here, I am afraid. I fear that almost 2 years of heavy prescription narcotics have blocked my creativity into a cage, a cage wrapped with razor wire. My memory is fried. Ah man...I just don't know how to breach the cage. The wire cutters and lock pick set are just out of my reach. It's like a nightmare vision of my life, a part of me is trapped in that cage with my memories, only I can't grasp them.
Words used to come so easily to me. Flowing through my mind, out my fingers and onto the keyboard like a rushing river. I never even had to stop and think, the stories told themselves. Even in my daily life now, I struggle to find the right words for things, I stutter sometimes when trying to express myself. There is such a sense of shame in that for me.
I've spent too much time living in my own mind. When I am not at work, I spend all my time alone, in my head. It's safer in there, I think. Only somewhere along the line, it became that razor wire wrapped cage. It's a strange juxtaposition. I love my inner world, it's so beautiful in there....why does it have to be a Gilded Cage? My Little Pet Blog should just be an extension of my inner world....a tiny rabbit hole bringing a glimpse of the inner me out into reality, sort of. Right? Even now, as I write this, there are so many pictures in my head that I am desperately trying to paint with words but I'm failing miserably.
I just can't seem to find my way through the rabbit hole.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A Milestone....
On the eve of the one year mark since I stopped my regular posting, I'm here to tell you of a major milestone reached by Moi. Me. Myself & I.
Yesterday I tended bar. Why is that a big deal, you ask? It's a big deal because the Friday day shift is the 2nd busiest shift of the week for our establishment. Eight hours of non-stop drink slinging at record speeds with thousands of dollars passing through the bartenders constantly wet and moving hands. (Whoa, that sounded dirty). This shift has been my own personal Holy Grail. I never thought I'd be able to do it again. Ever. Before my back took me out of commission in April, 2007, I worked this busy Friday shift every fucking week. And yesterday I did it. I fucking did it and had a blast.
That is, until the day shift manager didn't look where he was going and accidentally kicked me directly in my lower back as I was crouched down getting a bottle of water from the cooler. Holy shit that hurt. Of course, he was absolutely horrified and began to rub my back and pushed directly on the spot that instantly woke up my Sciatic Nerve. Good times, people. Good times.
"Fucking stop!! You're making it worse!!", I yelled at him, as the pain shot down my right leg. I know he felt bad, but at that moment, his feelings were not at the top of my priority list. I wanted to fucking punch him and if I wasn't in so much pain, I probably would have. "I'm going outside.", I told him and he bowed his head in shame and said okay. I hobbled out from behind the bar and went out the back door of the building, all the way holding back tears. Tears not so much from the pain, but from frustration that it was happening all over again. I live in fear on a daily basis that one little thing is going to throw me right back in bed, unable to function on even a basic level. Right back to where I was last year at this time. I sat down on one of the plastic chairs we have right outside the door, the smokers area, lit a cigarette and had a conversation with myself.
"Mind over matter, KiKi. Mind over fucking matter. You are fine, there is no pain anywhere in your body. You can do this, you can get through the rest of this shift.", I told myself, all the while, my eyes were closed and I was visualizing my babies. I mentally transported myself home and looked into the eyes of my 3 little girls and they gave me strength. They gave me the strength to flick my smoke, get up from the cheap plastic chair and go back inside to finish the 2 hours remaining on my shift. And finish I did. Hells yeah.
By the time I was on my way home 2 1/2 hours later, I was flying on the highest of highs, in spite of the stabbing pain in my back. I fucking did it. I know that being able to work a shift at work may not be a big deal to some of you, but to me this was huge. A major fucking milestone, people.
I'm sore today. My back hurts and my shoulders hurt but I flew through my Manager shift today, knowing that I am so close to getting my life back. Because you see, this Friday-Holy Grail-Shift made up almost 2/3 of my income. Yes, 2/3 of my income. I've been in a financial downward spiral for almost 2 years. My savings long gone to massive medical bills and my income 1/3 of what it was when I bought my house, my car, established my life, post divorce. The thought that I will finally get back on my feet financially makes me giddy inside. I live on Ramen Noodles and Peanut Butter sandwiches, for fuck's sake. Yes, it's that bad.
So, yesterday was A. Major. Fucking. Milestone. Day.
Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I tended bar. Why is that a big deal, you ask? It's a big deal because the Friday day shift is the 2nd busiest shift of the week for our establishment. Eight hours of non-stop drink slinging at record speeds with thousands of dollars passing through the bartenders constantly wet and moving hands. (Whoa, that sounded dirty). This shift has been my own personal Holy Grail. I never thought I'd be able to do it again. Ever. Before my back took me out of commission in April, 2007, I worked this busy Friday shift every fucking week. And yesterday I did it. I fucking did it and had a blast.
That is, until the day shift manager didn't look where he was going and accidentally kicked me directly in my lower back as I was crouched down getting a bottle of water from the cooler. Holy shit that hurt. Of course, he was absolutely horrified and began to rub my back and pushed directly on the spot that instantly woke up my Sciatic Nerve. Good times, people. Good times.
"Fucking stop!! You're making it worse!!", I yelled at him, as the pain shot down my right leg. I know he felt bad, but at that moment, his feelings were not at the top of my priority list. I wanted to fucking punch him and if I wasn't in so much pain, I probably would have. "I'm going outside.", I told him and he bowed his head in shame and said okay. I hobbled out from behind the bar and went out the back door of the building, all the way holding back tears. Tears not so much from the pain, but from frustration that it was happening all over again. I live in fear on a daily basis that one little thing is going to throw me right back in bed, unable to function on even a basic level. Right back to where I was last year at this time. I sat down on one of the plastic chairs we have right outside the door, the smokers area, lit a cigarette and had a conversation with myself.
"Mind over matter, KiKi. Mind over fucking matter. You are fine, there is no pain anywhere in your body. You can do this, you can get through the rest of this shift.", I told myself, all the while, my eyes were closed and I was visualizing my babies. I mentally transported myself home and looked into the eyes of my 3 little girls and they gave me strength. They gave me the strength to flick my smoke, get up from the cheap plastic chair and go back inside to finish the 2 hours remaining on my shift. And finish I did. Hells yeah.
By the time I was on my way home 2 1/2 hours later, I was flying on the highest of highs, in spite of the stabbing pain in my back. I fucking did it. I know that being able to work a shift at work may not be a big deal to some of you, but to me this was huge. A major fucking milestone, people.
I'm sore today. My back hurts and my shoulders hurt but I flew through my Manager shift today, knowing that I am so close to getting my life back. Because you see, this Friday-Holy Grail-Shift made up almost 2/3 of my income. Yes, 2/3 of my income. I've been in a financial downward spiral for almost 2 years. My savings long gone to massive medical bills and my income 1/3 of what it was when I bought my house, my car, established my life, post divorce. The thought that I will finally get back on my feet financially makes me giddy inside. I live on Ramen Noodles and Peanut Butter sandwiches, for fuck's sake. Yes, it's that bad.
So, yesterday was A. Major. Fucking. Milestone. Day.
Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Gotta Love Bullet Points
It would be next to impossible to sum up the past year in 1 post. I think I'll start with personal (within limits) stuff, using bullet points. Ha. I love bullet point useage.
- Stryker Dekompressor was performed on March 3, 2008. It was unbelievably excruciating. I was awake and alert and felt moments of pain induced, utter insanity. I survived however, and I no longer need to use a cane to walk. The barbaric Back Brace is long gone, as well. I am still on pain meds. While I live with the possibility that I may never be without them, I remain optimistic.
- Due to my obssessive work ethic, I took only 3 weeks off of work following surgery. I returned to my full Management schedule before my Doctor cleared me to do so.
- My babies Shadybear, Wingnut & Biscuits are all happy, healthy and thriving. They complete my simple little world and I would not have survived this past year without them. They lifted me up in my worst of times and lowest of lows. They were also very patient with me when I was confined to bed. The best 3 nurses I've ever had.
- Last January I spoke of a budding friendship with Cheri*. http://www.kikiscircus.com/2008/01/short-n-sweet.html Cheri has since become my very dearest friend. I love her beyond belief and know she will be in my life always. She will be making frequent appearances here in My Little Pet Blog, for sure. We are "Witches with Great Ideas" with amazing plans for a joint business venture. We share the same dream and together, we will one day make it our reality.
- My friendship with Keri* has grown and I've also (gasp) made another new friend. Angelina* is a beautiful young woman I've actually known for several years, yet have only started becoming close over the past few months. Angelina and Cheri are very close friends and the 3 of us are truly "three of a kind", in more ways than one.
- I went through a gut-heart-soul wrenching final break-up in my on again, off again relationship with my ex-husband. This is rather recent and I am still recovering from it. Yet, recover I will. I may or may not ever touch on this subject again. I haven't decided yet.
- I voted for Obama.
- I was sad when the underdog story of the Arizona Cardinals did not have a happy ending.
- I started tending bar again in October. This was a major personal milestone for me, as I thought I would never be able to do the job that I love so much again. Fucking figures that the economy had to go and take a dump. Ah well, patience is a virtue, aye?
Yeah, I'm fully aware that this first "official" post is rather sterile. My fire has just barely been ignited and I feel the need to ease back into life with My Little Pet Blog rather slowly. Besides, I've never really been a "jump in head first" kinda chick. I really need to work on that.
I'd thought about waiting until the 15th to publish this post, but hey, what the hell, let's get this party started.
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